How to keep calm and practice patient parenting?
Kids spend their entire lives observing you, and let's face it- they figure out how to get on your nerves very soon. It could be backtalk, persistent grumbling, or eye-rolling, but practically every parent will lose their cool with their children at some point.
Many parents can keep their emotions under control most of the time. However, many people have trouble managing their emotions- whether it's on a temporary or long-term basis.
Yelling at kids, calling them names, slamming items on the counter, imposing harsher consequences than necessary, and refusing to meet fundamental needs, such as declaring, "No food tonight," are all examples of "losing your anger."
Bedtime, getting dressed, eating or not eating food, being verbally disrespectful, not responding to rules and limits, engaging in high-risk behavior, such as playing with lighters and matches, or not staying on the sidewalk are all examples of power struggles between parents and children.
With older children, the attention shifts to socializing, performing outside the home, fulfilling chores and homework, and lying and being dishonest. We don't mean physical violence when we say "losing your cool." When their children act out, parents who engage in aggressive physical conduct need assistance. There is assistance available. And there's nothing shameful about looking for it. When parents cross the line into physical abuse, they must take responsibility for their actions.
TWO REASONS WHY PARENTS LOSE THEIR CALM
POWER STRUGGLE: Power battles between parents and children are usual. No matter how old the child is, the more entangled you become in the power struggle, the more complicated your emotions grow, and the more difficult it is to break free. In most power struggles, parents believe their authority is being tested and challenged by the child. As a result, parents frequently try to assert more control over their children to convince them to conform or agree. Of fact, the more the parent attempts to impose control, the easier it is for the youngster to win by just saying "no" or inventing an explanation. This irritates parents even more until they reach their breaking point, which we'll name their "temper point." When parents approach their breaking point in these situations, they sometimes lose sight of the original purpose for trying to set a limit and get preoccupied with "Who's in charge." Believe me when I say that many parents have been in that scenario.
- Physical risk: The other situation in which parents reach their lull is when dealing with teens and tweens doing things outside the home that their parents find too dangerous. This can be a physical hazard, such as going to bad parts of the city, or a moral hazard, such as clothing, music, and recreational activities that contradict parents' values and beliefs. In these situations, parents attempt to place boundaries on children who are becoming increasingly self-reliant. Fears of becoming involved with the wrong crowd, using drugs and alcohol, or putting themselves in danger can lead to some heated situations in which the child is battling for what they think to be their rights and freedoms. When children say, "Everyone's doing it," they're saying, "I have the right to do it, and you have no right to stop me." Remember, there's a straightforward formula for figuring out why teenagers break the rules. “That rule is unfair, and if it is unfair, I don't have to observe it,” the formula goes. Unfortunately, today's teens and pre-teens will hear this formula articulated in a variety of ways.
WHY LOSING TEMPER WITH YOUR KIDS DOES NOT WORK
Consider this: If losing your cool was successful, being a parent would be a piece of cake. We'd have to wait till our child was bothering us excessively, and then yell at him, and he'd go out and change his ways.
They would not have gone to the counselor in the first place if ranting worked. But losing your cool isn't a good idea. Losing your cool is counterproductive since the initial issue is frequently forgotten in the heat of the debate, and the problem remains unaddressed after everything has been said and done.
Instead of the child gaining problem-solving skills from the parent to deal with the specific issue at hand, the parent's power thrusts toward the children replace those problem-solving skills.
This isn't to suggest that wielding power is wrong or unethical. If the youngster does not learn problem-solving abilities, it is just ineffective. Simply put, if parents have problems with their children's behavior and all they have in their parental toolkit are bigger hammers, their children will grow larger nails. That parent will eventually lose their patience and be unable to control their child.
It must be realized that the major purpose of childhood is to learn how to handle issues and control emotions. And if the parent isn't teaching that, it's difficult for someone outside the family to pick up those components effectively, whether it's a therapist, counselor, or teacher.
Get treatment if you have a "hot temper." If you have a hard time managing your temper or find that your anger presents itself regularly, you should also know how to deal with your children; but you must take responsibility for receiving the treatment you need as soon as possible.
We use the term "hot temper" to describe those who are intolerant and can't cope with any form of difficulty or tension. This is caused by factors other than child-rearing, such as work-related stress, financial challenges, relationship problems, or a parent's childhood traumas. Parents are responsible for obtaining the outside assistance they require to manage their children.
HOW TO CALM YOURSELF
When we talk about parents relaxing, we're referring to them as "self-soothing." To put it another way, people relax by regulating their thoughts rather than the surroundings around them.
So, when your child questions your authority, what you're thinking will have a big impact on how you respond. Things are bound to get worse if you're thinking things like, "This behavior isn't fair; everyone thinks I'm a bad parent; other parents don't go through this," or such self-defeating self-talk.
But if you say to yourself, "I can handle this," "This is a child misbehaving, not a reflection of my parenting skills," "Other parents go through this," and "What can I do safely about this now," there's a far better chance there won't be a fight.
Remember that advice like "count to ten" is only effective if you strive to think positively while doing so. So, if you count to ten while saying, "Don't overreact, this is just juvenile behavior, how can I best handle this, what does the child need from me right now," there's a strong chance counting to ten will work.
Similarly, if you have a conflict with your child at home and you go to another room and take ten deep breaths, it is seven seconds to inhale, seven seconds to hold your breath, seven seconds to exhale, and you are thinking positively that has a much better chance of effectively resolving this situation.
Whatever happens, whatever your child does, losing it won't help. It may feel good in the short term because she feels strong, but in the long run, the child has learned an ineffective lesson about how to deal with fear or conflict.
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